


Losing Himself

by WhatTheWentz



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BC I SAY SO, Grief/Mourning, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Laurel Lance is Alive, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 02 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheWentz/pseuds/WhatTheWentz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Henry Allen's death, Barry shuts down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Himself

Things never really change when it comes to the mind.

  
It felt like every time he was in a room with other people, the walls would close in, his chest would tighten and his hands would begin to tremble.  He had dealt with mental health issues for so long, ever since that fateful night when his mother died and his father got blamed, so many years previous that he could barely imagine his life without it, the searing agony of getting out of bed in the morning, clutching onto the limited amount of strength to get through the day.

 

Ever since becoming The Flash, it had gotten slightly better, his life had a purpose, the thrill of saving lives more interesting than the crises his mind could provide.  He still had bad days, but he was feeling slightly more hopeful now, looking forward to the future and actually seeing some light.

 

Then, his father was taken from him and it all came crashing back down.

 

He felt like every moment of his life was being cruelly dragged out by fate, his worst enemy, it tearing him apart from the inside out.  Losing his father when it had taken him so long to get over his mother’s death was jarring, to say the least.

 

He had been happy, had a boyfriend, a job and a hobby that kept him active, and he had friends and family.

 

And yet, with one act, all of that was stripped from under him.

 

He didn’t even get the chance to take his revenge and now was left with the idea in his head that he had somehow failed his father by not taking vengeance.  He hadn’t returned to either of his jobs in weeks, and his friends, family and boyfriend were now forced to watch him waste away as he laid in bed all day, barely eating.

 

_ “Barr?”  _ his boyfriend, Oliver’s voice was gentle as he sat on the bed, making sure he didn’t startle the speedster.  Barry huffed in acknowledgment, which broke Oliver’s heart, “You sure you don’t want to eat?”

 

Barry replied weakly, his eyes stinging and sore, “I’m sure.”

 

“Okay, honey.” Oliver gave a small, encouraging smile, “You know I’m always here if you need me.”   
  


Barry shook his head, “I don’t… Your city needs you.”

 

“Laurel, Thea and Dig can handle it.” Oliver said, “They know that you really need my support right now.”   
  


Barry shuffled, “I’m fine.  I promise.”

 

“You aren’t fine.” Oliver disagreed harshly, “You spend most of your time cooped up in here and when you aren’t, you’re crying in the shower.  You have these nightmares and I just….  _ I wish you’d talk to me.” _

 

Barry looked saddened by Oliver’s words, tears welling in his eyes as he choked out,  _ “I just lost my dad, Oliver.”  _ he swallowed, trying to calm himself, “You can’t just expect me to be okay.”

 

“I’m… I’m not.” Oliver could feel his own sadness brewing, but fought to keep it down, “I just wish you’d talk to me.”

 

After a moment of silence, a dejected Barry asked, “Do you want to break up with me?”

 

“What?” the concept seemed alien to Oliver, and he didn’t understand at first, “No!  Of course not.” he reached out and cupped Barry’s cheek, “What on Earth gave you that idea?”

 

Barry shrugged, “I just think you deserve better.”

 

“Barr… I’m a killer.” Oliver tried to explain, “The fact that someone like you could see beyond that is amazing and I don’t actually want anyone else.  I want you.  I love  _ you.” _

 

Barry sighed, “You still deserve better.  You’re not the only killer around here.”

 

“Barry, your dad’s death wasn’t your faul--”

 

Barry cut him off and sat up, “Well, what about Sand Demon?  Huh?  Or Atom-Smasher?”

 

“You didn’t have a choice.” Oliver replied, a bit too eagerly, having known the situation Barry had faced.

 

Barry scoffed,  _ “Seriously?”  _ he laughed bitterly, “Of course you’d defend me, it makes you feel better.  I’ve got blood on my hands and I hate it.  I’m not the good guy, I’m the guy who makes deals with Captain Cold, who gets his own father killed due to  _ his own fucking stupidity  _ and God, it makes me so angry!”

 

“That’s good.” Oliver said, “Anger is feeling something.”

 

Barry was vibrating, his mind focused on a singular, repeating thought --  _ myfaultmyfaultallmyfault,  _ “I wanted Zoom dead.  I still do, I can’t even get that!  All I get is  _ nothing,  _ nothing but this pain and agony.  I’m a curse, a toxic curse that keeps poisoning everyone around me.” his breathing sped up until it sounded like he was hyperventilating, “My mom, Eddie, Ronnie, dad.  So many others.  I just… I deserve pain, I deserve worse!”   
  


“No…” Oliver’s heart broke even more, if that were possible, “Barr… please.”

 

Tears rolled down Barry’s cheeks, and he continued his rant, “I just want it to stop!  I can’t keep losing people, I can’t keep doing it, I can’t keep going on.   I can’t do this without him, Ollie.  I-I can’t--” his breath caught,  _ “I-I can’t--” _ he reached up and clutched his throat, unable to catch his breath,  _ “I can’t breathe… oh, God, I can’t breathe!” _ __   
  


Oliver grabbed Barry’s face between his hands and instantly moved to try and get him to calm down, “Barr… I’m gonna need you to take some deep breaths, okay?”

 

“I c--”

 

Oliver cut him off, “Yes, you can.   Now inhale…” he watched the other man do so, “And exhale… Inhale… and exhale.  In… and out…” when he heard the significant change in Barry’s breathing, he stopped, “That was good, well d--”

 

He was cut off by Barry practically throwing himself against him, sobbing near hysterically into his shoulder.  The archer grunted in surprise, then relaxed into it, running a hand through Barry’s hair and allowing to finally release his grief.

 

“I know…” he soothed, “I know…”

 

***   
  


A couple of hours later, Barry and Oliver both walked into the living room, the former leaning into the latter’s side as they walked.  Wally and Iris looked up at them both and grinned with happiness.

 

“Look who’s finally up!” Iris noted, then reached out, taking Barry’s hands in hers, “You okay?”

 

Barry shrugged, “Is it okay if I say no, not right now?”

 

“Course it is.” Wally replied, “It’s only natural.”

 

Joe peered his head in from the kitchen and smiled when he saw Barry, “Barr!  You’re up!  How about we order in tonight?”

 

“Sounds good.” Barry smiled, “I could do with some food anyway.” he looked up at Oliver, “And anyway, I gotta thank the big guy here for getting me out of my funk.  What would I do without him?”

 

Oliver smirked, then pulled Barry into a brief kiss whilst cupping his cheek, his own mood lightened by Barry’s.

 

After all, Barry was one half of him, the light to his darkness.  And he craved that light to make him a better person.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed, I'm not too well so it's probably shit, but oh well.
> 
> Comment/Kudos/Subscribe :)


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